Thoughts, Feelings, Cravings

Draft after draft I write. About what I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, what I'm craving... things just never seem to be good enough for a post. The last one wasn't even that good; it was a complaint. I'm surprised I didn't get reprimanded for my lack of sensitivity. How can someone who was so worried about conceiving in the first place be so caught up in the negatives of pregnancy. They should be welcomed with open arms! Everyday should be a blessing that there is still life inside me, that she is still there, and that there is still hope that she will be here next month, breathing on her own and smiling (do they smile that first month?).

This is what I'm feeling! Blessed. Blessed that not only am I able to grow a life inside me, but that, so far (and I can only pray at this point), that life is perfect and healthy. I have never had to go through a miscarriage. There have been no middle-of-the-night scares where a hospital visit was necessary. The discomforts I have felt have been normal and very much on time with what a pregnancy is like with a healthy baby. Feeling nostalgic about my pre-pregnancy body is normal, but how can that even be an issue?! This is a miracle!

I'm thinking that God doesn't normally humble people with a perfect situation... like a perfect life or a perfect family or even a perfect pregnancy (I use the word "perfect" pretty liberally here. What I mean to say is ideal). Yes, there will always be some potholes in the road, but overall, things have been amazing for me. I think it is safe to say that this experience could not have been a better one. There are hard times still to come with this (I'm not completely ignorant), but now that I've realized my blessing, maybe this will help me cope with the unknown.

My cravings have become more emotional than physical. I crave that feeling of falling in the love for the very first time with my little one. I've seen it so many times and even though I have never truly experienced it, I know it must be special. Every one who has gone through this tells my husband and me, "Oh, she will just steal your heart the moment you lay eyes on her." I also crave the knowledge every new mom does not have. What way soothes her best when she is fussy? When will she sleep? How long? How will she react to the vacuum noise? Every child is different. Unique. Special. Amazing.

So with draft after draft, I can only hope that this makes it onto the page. Bottom line is that I am blessed. SO so blessed.

April 26th might not be when I meet her, but it makes me happy to know that she is coming one way or another and that all of these thoughts I'm thinking, feelings that I feel, and cravings that I crave, will come to pass with thoughts of love and blessings, feelings of fulfillment and joy, and cravings for hugs and kisses.